"Right," she said, smiling as she walked out the door leaving me in a moaning heap on the kitchen floor. "Mary Hart's hairstyle is somehow connected to the size of the hole in the ozone layer?" I ventured. "Are you wondering where Entertainment Tonight comes in?" she asks. Light Twinkies, she says, are an abomination to be regarded the way I regard non-alcoholic beer and mild chicken wings, and their coincidental advent is an omen of dire portent. Nothing more modern than Coleman lanterns and parchment maps should be used. That should be done, she says, by the tweedy scions of wealthy British families who then have the decency to die of infected tsetse fly bites and thereby guarantee at least a good curse legend or two. Wife insists that it is dirty pool to use space technology to do the scut work of archaeology. My guess is that the invention of Aqua Velva pretty well wiped out the frankincense market about the time the Home Shopping Network eliminated the need for caravans, and the city died a natural death (sort of like Detroit). It has not, however, solved the problem of how Yasser Arafat manages always to have an exactly three-day beard or explained whether the United States will invade Panama again to reinstate Noriega if he is acquitted.īut Wife says there is definitely a metaphysical connection between the recent finding of the ruins of Ubar and the advent of "light" Twinkies.Įxplorers used ancient maps and photographs taken from the space shuttle, some of which showed caravan routes that are thousands of years old, to locate the ruins of Ubar, a major center for the processing and shipping of frankincense built nearly 5,000 years ago. That theory has explained, among other things, why it is sacrilegious to walk past an open outlet of The Limited without going in, why someone who doesn't play tennis needs a diamond tennis bracelet and why dinner guests might be offended if they see my underwear hanging on the bedroom doorknob.Īpplied on a global scale, the theory states that most of the world's problems could be solved with malls and credit cards. I am requesting a new route or providing feedback on an existing route. Wife relies on CNN, Entertainment Tonight and an invention of author Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, et al), which he called the Theory of the Interconnectedness of Everything. I had a problem with my pickup or drop-off. Other observers may keep track of things like the Gross National Product, Consumer Price Index and use devices like the Laffer Curve or the trickle-down theory, which specifies that poor people will be happier if the rich get richer. Visitors opinions on The U Bar TuesdayTue, 11AM-4AM WednesdayWed, 11AM-4AM ThursdayThu, 11AM-4AM FridayFri, 11AM-4AM SaturdaySat, 11AM-4AM. But, for some reason, I found myself listening Thursday as she explained to me the factors that she sees as evidence of the decline of Western civilization.
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